When I Found Out

Dear Rachie,

Daddy and I planned on having you. We wanted to start having babies shortly after we were married, but Daddy was still in law school and we were living in Windsor. It was a dirty city and I decided I couldn't even let myself get pregnant there. Once we moved back to London, I couldn't find a job. In March of 2005, almost a year before you were born, I got my dream job. After a month or so there, we decided that we were done waiting. We wanted a baby, whether we had the money or not.

In July, I took a pregnancy test. It was very early on a Saturday morning. It came out positive. I went in the bedroom and told Daddy and then we both fell back asleep. When I woke up, I panicked. I wanted you so badly, but knew in that moment that my life would never be the same and it scared me. Everything felt surreal.

A week later, I went to Nana and Grandpa's and told them that I had something to tell them. Grandpa sat down with me in their TV room and called Nana in. Grandpa told her I had some big news, so he figured I was either moving away or pregnant. I told them I wasn't moving anywhere. Nana teared up and Grandpa got a big goofy grin on his face. They were so excited for you!

Being pregnant with you was not much fun. I was nauseous nearly all day, every day for the majority of the 9 months. It was hard to hide it from people. Your dad got tired of me telling him. I got tired of feeling like that.

I was scared of a lot of things when I was pregnant with you.  I was scared of what my life would be like when you arrived. I was scared that I wouldn't be a good mom. I was scared of how you would arrive.  Everything was new and different, but I had no reason to be scared. You and I would work through everything together.

Love Mommy